Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
