Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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