The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I touched a dick in church today
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
