you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
