census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Randomize
