Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
This is classic penis vs brain.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
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