i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
