It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
