I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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