Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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