She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
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