Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize