I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
