dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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