Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
