Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
