good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
