mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
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Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
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we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life