Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news