Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
