he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
