According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
