I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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