Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Holy sore nipples Batman
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
