I can tuck mytits in my pants
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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