I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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