Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
