so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
