When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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