4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
