Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
this is an emotional support booty call
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
