i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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