I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
