i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
