thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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