I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
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Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
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I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Couch. On fire.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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