did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
