why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
