I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
