I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
