Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
