you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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