Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
