I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
