she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
