Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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