My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
it's like iHOP with fire
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
