Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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