im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
