Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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