Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
We smell like vodka and hangover
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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