nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
