i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
