You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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