im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
