my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
